Part 1 - Bloke's guide to taking a leak
Taking a leak is a complex procedure
and a minefield of social faux-pa. It might seem (to the non-bloke casual
observer) like a trivial procedure of pulling the pickup over to the side of
the road, finding a reasonably foliaged bush and bleeding the lizard - but
Not at all.
In reality, the above scenario only
occurs when the bloke concerned is on his own on a fairly sheltered road. In
the REAL blokeworld, when you're barrelling up the M5 (well, as barrelling
as you can with the squeeze driving as the designated driver, at 55mph
because you and the mates have made the compulsory pub stops which render
you unable to drive AND retain your license), it's not as simple as that.
One must consider Leak etiquette.
Leak Etiquette: General Rules
Special Situations - The "Open Plan"
- Never take a leak onto the ground.
Urine must be only be directed at vertical objects, such as trees, bushes
etc. However, taking a leak over a bank or off a bridge is allowed,
especially if it's on the way home from the pub. If you are exceptionally
boozed other non-vertical items can be used. The boot or back seat of a
Ford Escort for instance. If you are exceptionally boozed and have a
blood/alcohol level of an embalmed corpse, a fridge or washing machine
has, sadly, been known to look vertical.
- Always concentrate on what you're
doing. No-one wants yours.
- Never look at another guys dick.
- Never, ever, make a comment about
another blokes dick. "Shit, that's a big bastard" is completely
inappropriate. If you somehow happen to break this rule, never, EVER,
begin your comment with "Bugger me...". Results are indeterminate,
especially if drinking in a pub where they put fruit down the neck of the
- Never flash your dick. Especially if
it's seriously humungous. There's no need to upset the lads. Be humble.
(Open Plan urinals are those where there are no designated places to
stand. The 4-man Stainless steel tray, the bank on the side of the road,
- Never take a leak within 2 metres of
another bloke. (Gap Law)
- Never look at another guy's dick.
- Never turn from the "Open Plan"
until you're finished. Even if someone runs up and steals the quad.
- Always play "Piss the fag down the
drain" wherever possible.
Special Situations - The Cubical
Cubical Urinals refer to either:
individual "hand basin" type of urinal or
(b) The full-length single-berth stainless steel job.
For the purposes of the queuing
theory explanation we will assume we have a L-Shaped bog with 10 "cubical"
urinals in it, 6 along one side, 4 down the other, numbered 1 to 10 in that
Never look over or around a cublical
at another bloke's dick
Always follow the following queuing
Empty Toilets. Status Report:
1 2 3 4 5 6
Bloke 1 walks in - empty bog so he goes
where he likes. Unless he's got an exceptionally tiny moby or has just been
swimming, in which case he goes to one of the ends. We'll say he has a
normal moby, and chooses cubicle 3.
One Bloke Status Report:
1 2 B1 4 5 6
Bloke 2 enters - since there is only one
cubicle occupied, he cannot choose cubicle 2 or 4 because that would mean he
would be out of the footy team as soon as word got out (Urinal Gap Law).
That leaves 1, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10. Not being able to use 1 or 10 (Small
moby Law), that really only leaves 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9. We'll say he chooses 8
Two Bloke Status Report:
1 2 B1 4 5 6
Bloke 3 comes in. 2, 4, 6 and 9 are out
(Gap Law). 5, 1 and 10 are Gap-Law-Consistent places. He goes for 1 cos he's
got a small moby.
Three Bloke Status Report:
B3 2 B1 4 5 6
Bloke 4 comes in and 5 is the easy answer.
He takes it.
Four Bloke Status Report:
B1 2 B1 4 B4 6
Bloke 5 comes in and has a dilemma. 10 is
a small moby slot. All the rest break the Gap Rule. He takes 10 because the
Gap Rule has priority over the Small Moby Rule (only just). Besides, he can
always flash his knob at a video camera during the ceremony next time one of
the blokes gets married...
Five Bloke Status Report:
B1 2 B1 4 B4 6
Bloke 6 comes in, sees that there are no
clear spaces and goes to the toilet, pretending he has to take a dump. (The
big Girl). He uses GT1 (Girls Toilet One)
Six Bloke Status Report:
B1 2 B1 4 B4 6
Bloke 7 comes in, and being staunch knows
that because of the spacing, it's a real blokes session, so edges into an
available space. To let the other Blokes know he's "safe", he must use the
Real Bloke password, which is "Better out than in". The other Blokes must
use the counter password or risk being stepped out later in the evening. The
counter password is of course "Yep. Watch out, the water's cold". The second
counter password (for the real bloke on the other side) is: "Yep, and deep
too". No further conversation is required, unless there has been a
particularly close game of rugby sometime in the past century. This can be
discussed. If you know someone in the shithouse, you can engage them in
polite conversation, bearing in mind that "Shit, that's a big bastard" or
"You just been swimming?" isn't polite. Talk about the rugby. Or ask him a
technical question about the valve settings for the V8. Just get the job
done then leave.
Leaving the Shithouse.
Leaving the bogs involves some form of closure. A couple of shakes is
acceptable, but 400 is excessive and is likely to facilitate the finding of
your body somewhere unpleasant the next morning. Sometimes it's appropriate
to sigh after a long awaited leak, but mostly not. It depends how much you
enjoy playing footy and how much you would miss it. A big Bloke-Call is "Do
I wash my hands?". Now, the legendary Super-Bloke doesn't even wash his
hands after aiding the tricky birth of a couple of calves, emptying a sump
and helping the septic tank guy with his hoses just prior to dinner. But we
can't all be like that. So, maybe you do, and maybe you don't. Any maybe you
chuck your hands under the hot air dryer or maybe you realise that that's
the first step to getting your own hair dryer and opening up a flower shop.
It's up to you. One thing you must
NEVER do however, is catch your reflection in the mirror for more than a
microsecond. "Posing" is a cardinal sin, and is to be avoided by Blokes at
all cost. It starts with posing and ends up when you buy a "dress watch"
that isn't even waterproof so you have to take it off before assisting a
calf birth as above. Before you know it, you're buying men's perfume, have
your own "man-bag" and your mates are playing those bloody funny jokes on
you by driving on the footpath that you're walking on. Ha ha ha, what a
bunch of jokers!!! Three weeks after that, you discover that you're really a
woman trapped in the body of a man and the "dress watch" was just a
manifestation of your subconscious wish to wear a dress proper, and your
bloke life is over.
So don't look in the mirror.
With grateful thanks to Simon Travaglia
- Kiwi bloke consultant