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Bloking Advice.

Part 1 - Bloke's guide to taking a leak

Taking a leak is a complex procedure and a minefield of social faux-pa. It might seem (to the non-bloke casual observer) like a trivial procedure of pulling the pickup over to the side of the road, finding a reasonably foliaged bush and bleeding the lizard - but it's not.

Not at all.

In reality, the above scenario only occurs when the bloke concerned is on his own on a fairly sheltered road. In the REAL blokeworld, when you're barrelling up the M5 (well, as barrelling as you can with the squeeze driving as the designated driver, at 55mph because you and the mates have made the compulsory pub stops which render you unable to drive AND retain your license), it's not as simple as that. One must consider Leak etiquette.

Leak Etiquette: General Rules

  • Never take a leak onto the ground. Urine must be only be directed at vertical objects, such as trees, bushes etc. However, taking a leak over a bank or off a bridge is allowed, especially if it's on the way home from the pub. If you are exceptionally boozed other non-vertical items can be used. The boot or back seat of a Ford Escort for instance. If you are exceptionally boozed and have a blood/alcohol level of an embalmed corpse, a fridge or washing machine has, sadly, been known to look vertical.
  • Always concentrate on what you're doing. No-one wants yours.
  • Never look at another guys dick. Ever.
  • Never, ever, make a comment about another blokes dick. "Shit, that's a big bastard" is completely inappropriate. If you somehow happen to break this rule, never, EVER, begin your comment with "Bugger me...". Results are indeterminate, especially if drinking in a pub where they put fruit down the neck of the bottle.
  • Never flash your dick. Especially if it's seriously humungous. There's no need to upset the lads. Be humble.
Special Situations - The "Open Plan" Urinal
(Open Plan urinals are those where there are no designated places to stand. The 4-man Stainless steel tray, the bank on the side of the road, etc.)
  • Never take a leak within 2 metres of another bloke. (Gap Law)
  • Never look at another guy's dick.
  • Never turn from the "Open Plan" until you're finished. Even if someone runs up and steals the quad.
  • Always play "Piss the fag down the drain" wherever possible.

Special Situations - The Cubical Urinal
Cubical Urinals refer to either:

(a) The individual "hand basin" type of urinal or
(b) The full-length single-berth stainless steel job.

For the purposes of the queuing theory explanation we will assume we have a L-Shaped bog with 10 "cubical" urinals in it, 6 along one side, 4 down the other, numbered 1 to 10 in that order.

  • Never look over or around a cublical at another bloke's dick
  • Always follow the following queuing theory:
     

    Empty Toilets. Status Report:
     1  2  3  4  5  6
                      7
    GT1               8
    GT2               9
                      10
    

    Bloke 1 walks in - empty bog so he goes where he likes. Unless he's got an exceptionally tiny moby or has just been swimming, in which case he goes to one of the ends. We'll say he has a normal moby, and chooses cubicle 3.
    One Bloke Status Report:
     1  2  B1  4  5  6
                       7
    GT1                8
    GT2                9
                       10
    

    Bloke 2 enters - since there is only one cubicle occupied, he cannot choose cubicle 2 or 4 because that would mean he would be out of the footy team as soon as word got out (Urinal Gap Law). That leaves 1, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10. Not being able to use 1 or 10 (Small moby Law), that really only leaves 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9. We'll say he chooses 8
    Two Bloke Status Report:
     1  2  B1  4  5  6
                       7
    GT1                B2 
    GT2                9
                       10
    

    Bloke 3 comes in. 2, 4, 6 and 9 are out (Gap Law). 5, 1 and 10 are Gap-Law-Consistent places. He goes for 1 cos he's got a small moby.
    Three Bloke Status Report:
    B3  2  B1  4  5  6
                       7
    GT1                B2 
    GT2                9
                       10
    

    Bloke 4 comes in and 5 is the easy answer. He takes it.
    Four Bloke Status Report:
    B1  2  B1  4  B4 6
                       7
    GT1                B2 
    GT2                9
                       10
    

    Bloke 5 comes in and has a dilemma. 10 is a small moby slot. All the rest break the Gap Rule. He takes 10 because the Gap Rule has priority over the Small Moby Rule (only just). Besides, he can always flash his knob at a video camera during the ceremony next time one of the blokes gets married...
    Five Bloke Status Report:
    B1  2  B1  4  B4 6
                       7
    GT1                B2 
    GT2                9
                       B5
    

    Bloke 6 comes in, sees that there are no clear spaces and goes to the toilet, pretending he has to take a dump. (The big Girl). He uses GT1 (Girls Toilet One)
    Six Bloke Status Report:
    B1  2  B1  4  B4 6
                       7
    B6                 B2 
    GT2                9
                       B5
    

    Bloke 7 comes in, and being staunch knows that because of the spacing, it's a real blokes session, so edges into an available space. To let the other Blokes know he's "safe", he must use the Real Bloke password, which is "Better out than in". The other Blokes must use the counter password or risk being stepped out later in the evening. The counter password is of course "Yep. Watch out, the water's cold". The second counter password (for the real bloke on the other side) is: "Yep, and deep too". No further conversation is required, unless there has been a particularly close game of rugby sometime in the past century. This can be discussed. If you know someone in the shithouse, you can engage them in polite conversation, bearing in mind that "Shit, that's a big bastard" or "You just been swimming?" isn't polite. Talk about the rugby. Or ask him a technical question about the valve settings for the V8. Just get the job done then leave.

    Leaving the Shithouse.
    Leaving the bogs involves some form of closure. A couple of shakes is acceptable, but 400 is excessive and is likely to facilitate the finding of your body somewhere unpleasant the next morning. Sometimes it's appropriate to sigh after a long awaited leak, but mostly not. It depends how much you enjoy playing footy and how much you would miss it. A big Bloke-Call is "Do I wash my hands?". Now, the legendary Super-Bloke doesn't even wash his hands after aiding the tricky birth of a couple of calves, emptying a sump and helping the septic tank guy with his hoses just prior to dinner. But we can't all be like that. So, maybe you do, and maybe you don't. Any maybe you chuck your hands under the hot air dryer or maybe you realise that that's the first step to getting your own hair dryer and opening up a flower shop.

    It's up to you. One thing you must NEVER do however, is catch your reflection in the mirror for more than a microsecond. "Posing" is a cardinal sin, and is to be avoided by Blokes at all cost. It starts with posing and ends up when you buy a "dress watch" that isn't even waterproof so you have to take it off before assisting a calf birth as above. Before you know it, you're buying men's perfume, have your own "man-bag" and your mates are playing those bloody funny jokes on you by driving on the footpath that you're walking on. Ha ha ha, what a bunch of jokers!!! Three weeks after that, you discover that you're really a woman trapped in the body of a man and the "dress watch" was just a manifestation of your subconscious wish to wear a dress proper, and your bloke life is over.

    So don't look in the mirror.

    With grateful thanks to Simon Travaglia - Kiwi bloke consultant
    http://bofh.ntk.net/BlokeLeak.html

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